Currently Browsing:Uncategorized

“I’m Sorry” is not the same as an Apology

Apologies transform relationships in a way an, “I’m sorry” cannot. Listening to “I’m sorry” we would be more authentic to say, “I regret,” or “It’s too bad that…” For example, “I’m sorry. I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry that your feelings got hurt. I am sorry that happened to you, and

Read More

Apology Allergies

It seems to me that we have a childhood legacy from being compelled, forced to say “we’re sorry” in order to survive, to defuse, distract the large being confronting us in anger. It’s the best we could do at the age we were then. And it worked well enough that many of us, including victims

Read More

Replacing You-ing with Seem-ing Language

“Seems to be that we…” now gets to replace all “You-ing,” or similar “Blanket Declarative statements,” interpretations, that sound to us as if they are “The Truth.”   Why is this necessary? To preserve the listening of the other.   Early on, as young children, we learned that hearing, “You…” was a sign that we

Read More

We love each other with our listening.

Something remarkable showed up in one of our couples communication coaching session the other day. One of the couple I was supporting at Marriage and Communication coaching was able to distinguish the following, speaking to her spouse, saying, “Often you provide a workable solution to some issue are discussing, but that is not the end

Read More

Legacies of Childhood in Adult Communication

Adding a timeline, a “By when” to our communication is essential in relationships. We have a communication legacy stemming from our childhood. As children when we requested or wanted something we often heard, “no, not now, later, soon, in a while, after dinner, next week, when you are older,” and so forth. Before long we

Read More

“You” and “You-ing:” The Genesis of Lying and Miscommunication

Once upon a time, when we were young and much smaller than we are today, we learned early that when someone much larger than we were said “You” we were in trouble, we felt physically and emotionally threatened. Being young, we were scared, afraid, and terrified. Inexperienced at life we did not know what to

Read More

The Loving Test.

Before speaking or acting, ask, “Is what I am about to say or do create and sustain life?” When you take away all language, culture, or history we will come to understand that we are all, all designed to create and sustain life. Those of us who do not – pass away, ultimately sad and

Read More

To “Please” or not to “Please?”

Bringing back “Please” makes for good relationships. “Please” converts a demand into a mutually negotiable request. “Please” rolls over into a mutual acknowledgment which feels good. Background: In a number of marriages and relationships, up to and including my own, “Please” may be seldom heard. I may believe I am implying “Please” when I’ve made

Read More

We vs. You

“It seems to me that we” – is a truly useful workaround for the word “You.” Instead of pointing a verbal or real finger at your spouse and saying, “You never listen!” we can employ a far gentler, easier to hear, “It seems to me that we are not communicating well together.” Instead of, “We

Read More

Bring back, “Thank you. You’re welcome”

For some reason, these days, I’ve noticed that I hear far fewer “Thank you. You’re welcomes” than when I was growing up. And yet, when I have coached couples to say “Thank you. You’re welcome” to one another at Marriage and Communication coaching sessions, without exception everyone, everyone smiles, feels good, and connected. What is

Read More