Bring back, “Thank you. You’re welcome”

For some reason, these days, I’ve noticed that I hear far fewer “Thank you. You’re welcomes” than when I was growing up.

And yet, when I have coached couples to say “Thank you. You’re welcome” to one another at Marriage and Communication coaching sessions, without exception everyone, everyone smiles, feels good, and connected. What is going on?

Looking beneath the surface of, “Thank you. You’re welcome,” we will see that Thanking our partner, child, friend, neighbor, client or coworker is an act of connection, acknowledging them for some action they have chosen to take on our behalf.

It doesn’t matter what action they have taken on our behalf: opening the door, bagging groceries, doing our laundry, hanging up the dry cleaning, getting the children ready for school, serving us a hamburger at the local restaurant.

Any choice of action that has benefit for us receives a “Thank you.”

And their response of, “You’re welcome.” closes the connection between you.
With, “You’re welcome,” they are telling us, “Thank you. I am glad we are connected in this moment and I appreciate you for our connection.” Whether it was for a gift, sale, compliment – or a hamburger.

I promise that, as individuals and as a community, when we reinstall “Thank you. You’re welcome,” back into our lives and daily conversations – we and our world will be a in far happier, smiling, glad to be alive, profoundly connected place. Thank you for reading this….

Marriage and Communication is simply not therapy.

I promise, I guarantee to provide you with the core life skills and best practices for a truly extraordinary relationship.

Anybody who has succeeded has at one time had a coach.

Further, when we look closer, there is an almost invisible future generation at stake. Create a relationship in which one may choose to raise children – who will in turn raise their children – with the skills you will learn with Marriage and Communication Coaching.

It’s not about the past; it’s about the present and your future.We may briefly recall an unworkable past relationship together – but its for only as long as it takes to live your next great relationship now. Within the very first half-hour once we’ve begun.

It might help to read testimonials of others who have gone through my program. You will read some eight reviews on a Google search, about a dozen more on my website.

Let me know when we can begin together.

The magic of “Yes.”

(part one)

All too many of us carry around an unexamined, deep-seated doubt about who we are, our self worth and essential value as a human being.  These internal conversations and negative self-assessments color the way we appear and interact with others and our world.

With negative self-talk we adopted as children we routinely enter into conversations, offering suggestions, sharing thoughts, already believing that the other will judge, criticize or reject us for having the nerve to suggest “that.” With such self-negating  beliefs we’ve lost before we begin. And all before we’ve uttered a single word.

Knowing this about ourselves and others, what can we do with and for each other?

Say, “Yes, and.” Train ourselves to start our sentences with “Yes, and” when we hear friends, spouses, children, coworkers, others speak.

“Yes, and” tell me more… ” “Yes, and” “When would be a good time to talk about this together?”

Knowing that many of us come into communication expecting a rejection, anticipating being made wrong, we get to stop their negative internal dialog with “Yes, and.”

Our “Yes, and” lets them know that they’ve been heard, we’ve accepted them and whatever they’ve said.  They need not repeat what they have offered, or struggle to rephrase what they are sharing in order for us to understand them..

With ‘Yes,” we’ve disarmed their toxic self-talk and have granted them the freedom to say whatever they have to say.

“Yes, and….”

“Help. I’m frustrated and I don’t know what to say.”

This rarely gets spoken in a young marriage – but it ought to be.

Instead, too often we hear something like, “I no longer feel love for you.” Immediately, the one who heard this gets upset and starts to freak out.

To add insult to injury, this damaging message may show up at around three years or so into a marriage – frequently with a three-year-old child in hand and another on the way.

This story is about two young people who once spent a lot of time talking, listening, playing, lavishing endless hours of attention on one another. Love bloomed; wedding bells rang.

Married, reality crashes in. Careers and children enter. Money gets tighter. There is more work with far less play. Attention once spent upon one another, shrinks. Frustration and discouragement creep in alongside a growing sense of depression. Communication hurts.

A few years pass. This once-happy couple’s communication and marriage skills, such as they were now prove insufficient to maintain or create a new enlivening balance for their young marriage.

The bottom line: successful married life requires a new and expanded set of marriage and communication skills. Good sex may have helped you to the altar; mature adult communication skills will help you make it to your golden wedding anniversary. And with grace and ease.

Life doesn’t stand still and what it takes for you to be successful together, raise children and ride happily into the sunset together – is not taught in schools.

To make it together you will need to know more, much more. Get what you will need to grow together in a relationship that lasts a lifetime.

The Space of Blessing and Communication.

We’ve read earlier of the power of “Yes, and” as a means of helping us move from reactive “NOs” and BUTs” to calmer, more responsive spaces of “Yes, and…”

For example, one can follow a, “Yes, and” in a variety of ways such as, “Yes, and tell me more.” “Yes, and can I share with you how I heard that…?” “Yes, and is there something we need to work out together?” and so forth. All these are respectful replies, honoring all parties.

Recently I’ve uncovered an uncommonly powerful approach that will convey you and your partner, spouse, or child into to a very, very high connected space. Most especially if you are seeking to emerge from a disconnected, negative, stuck place.

What would it be like if one of you said something like the following:
1) “My Blessing for us is that we find our way into a loving place in which both of us are honored and respected. Can we do that?”
2) Or, “My Blessing for us is that we find our way back to the love we both shared not so long ago. Will you join with me to get us back there once more?”

Basically, with this “Blessing invitation” approach both of you can reboot your relationship, gracefully.

Will it work every time? Likely not. It certainly will open something up that wasn’t present before.

Try it out for yourself and let me know how it went.

My Blessing for us is that we find our way towards a society that communicates with mutual honor, respect and love.

Join me?

Why “Make allowances” when you can communicate instead?

All too often couples find themselves “Making allowances.” Forgiving inappropriately. It goes something like this:

“He or she just did or said something that upset me. I don’t know how to let them know how it made me feel. I love them dearly and I don’t want to get into an argument or a fight, so I’ll just let it go by.”

“After all, we love each other. We’ll be together for the rest of our lives. I’ll “Make allowances.” t’s just not as important than our marriage. We have children.”

“Making allowances,” tolerating unkind behavior, whether by accident or by design, is a very,very slippery slope.

All too often, the marriage and communication couples that have come to see me – have been “Making allowances” for years and their capacity to “Make more and more allowances” has run out. In a sense their marriage, their relationship bank account has gone bankrupt.

The way to avoid totally bankrupting your relationship, your marriage, is to learn to communicate with mutual honor and respect.

Learning how to communicate with honor and respect is far cheaper. A stitch in time saves nine.

For an added bonus: once your children learn good quality communication from you – inevitably you will approve of and like your future sons and daughters in law. Christmas becomes something joyous to look forward to.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Learn to communicate together.
Call me today.

“NO” need not be the end of a communication, only the opening of the next.

“NO” need not be the end of a communication, only the opening of the next.

True story: He invited her to come out so they could spend time together at a nearby park.

What did happen: She said, “NO.” He took it personally and got mad. It turns out that all she needed was a half hour more to finish her hair.

What could have happened: To her, “No” he could have simply said, “AND…?”
The communication would have continued. He would have understood, “I need a half hour to finish my hair.” He could have responded, “OK, I’ll wait and we can go together, Okay?”

The two of them would have ridden off to the park for a nice afternoon together.

The moral of the story?

The most loving and cooperative response to any “NO” is an “AND…?”

The Genesis of Forgiveness, the Rebirth of Trust

How do we rebuild trust when it is gone?

We know that words have no value when it comes to reestablishing our partner’s trust.

We hear, “Talk is cheap” “Actions speak louder than words,” “I simply don’t believe you.”

So, how may we rebuild their faith in us? Can we be forgiven?

Towards rebuilding trust, look at what we might call a “Staircase to Forgiveness.” The higher up we go the more your partner’s faith and trust may be, might be restored.

The Staircase to Forgiveness:

  • “I’m sorry” has a negative value when your goal is rebuilding Trust that has been broken, or shattered. Nobody has believed our, “I’m sorry” since childhood. So why say it?
  • “I apologize” – heads us in a positive direction. However, our partner still is not sure what it is we are apologizing for.
  • “I apologize for – not taking care of the back yard.” This second step lets our partner know what it is we are apologizing for. However, it doesn’t yet include
  • “I apologize for – not taking care of the back yard. Please forgive me.” This third step is the first step that reaches out to, and involves our partner. We invite them to forgive us. Note that they are not obligated to do this. Forgiveness may come later on. Forgiveness is not automatically granted just because you asked for it. However, it is the right thing to say at his point.
  • “I apologize for – not taking care of the back yard. Please forgive me. I promise to do it.” This fourth step is your first step towards healing a trust that has been broken. You have now given your Word, promised future Actions from which your trustworthiness may be re-assessed by your partner.
  • “I apologize for not taking care of the back yard. Please forgive me. I promise to do it by the end of this week.” Adding a timeline adds power. “by the end of this week,” is essentially a second promise to your partner. When you fulfill both promises “by the end of this week” you’ve demonstrated new trustworthiness. After you’ve fulfilled your promises – they may begin to see you as worthy of their trust once more.
  • “I apologize for not taking care of the back yard. Please forgive me. I promise to do it by the end of this week. I ask for your support. Would you please get together with me so we can plan a backyard that works for both of us?” This is the most inviting seventh step, inviting Partnership Adding a timeline, you’ve made two promises, asked for forgiveness, asked for their support and invited your partner to work with you to build the “backyard” that would please them, too.

Inquiry complete: we can imagine that the higher you rise on this “Staircase to Forgiveness” The more likely your partner will believe you, trust you, and forgive you so the two of you can move on.

“One of the keys to communication is invitation.”

When you wish to share something with your spouse, invite them to talk, first.
They might be involved in something else and are unable or unwilling to interrupt what they are doing in the moment.
Starting to talk without an invitation may put them in a bind. They don’t wish to disappoint you.
They may be available to talk later, just not now.

So, invite them with a, “Do you have time to talk?” Allow them to respond to your invitation with a, “Yes, and I need about half an hour more. I’ll come and get you when I’m done. Thanks.”

“Communication tune-ups for your business?”

After your business’ mission statement, communication is the lifeblood of your enterprise; management to staff, staff to employees, and everyone to clients and customers.
Over time, given the nature of human beings, communication breakdowns are inevitable. Negativity creeps into your workplace, staffers and employees stop talking, stop cooperating and confusion arises. Where teamwork and cooperation once flourished silence grows. Customer fulfillment and satisfaction suffers. They stop communicating with you.

You lose clients. You lose business. Contact us today.

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