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Responding vs. Reacting

When we intend to communicate with our partner, we need a way to respond rather than react. Reacting does not require thinking. Reacting isn’t a bad thing. It works on our behalf as we drive our car. Before we think about it, we want to slow down ...

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Is your marriage a WE-lationship?

Is your marriage a WE-lationship? A WE-ality, or a ME-ality? WE-ality: Living from the outside>in. One's focus is "out there," Towards one's environment Engaged with one's surroundings. One's Inquiry: Is into the status, ...

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Why Men should say “Please.”

Recently, my spouse said the following, “You know that sometimes when we speak, I feel like I am being ordered around.”  I responded, “I don’t think I am intentionally ordering you around.” Her reply, “Yes, and sometimes when you ...

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Too much Truth in the room?

Our brains tend to have us spit out statements that on the surface seem to be “The Truth” when those statements are almost certainly interpretations, influenced by emotion, and more often than we would like to admit, based on limited, often ...

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"Is what I am about to do, or say … create and sustain Life?"

I propose a  simple (but not necessarily easy) way of thinking and acting in relationships. It seems to me that it would be transformational to every human relationship if we were we to stop, pause and reflect upon what we are saying or are about ...

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“I’m Sorry” is not the same as an Apology

Apologies transform relationships in a way an, “I’m sorry” cannot. Listening to “I’m sorry” we would be more authentic to say, “I regret,” or “It’s too bad that…” For example, “I’m sorry. I am sorry you feel that way. ...

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Apology Allergies

It seems to me that we have a childhood legacy from being compelled, forced to say "we're sorry" in order to survive, to defuse, distract the large being confronting us in anger. It's the best we could do at the age we were then. And it worked ...

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Replacing You-ing with Seem-ing Language

"Seems to be that we..." now gets to replace all "You-ing," or similar “Blanket Declarative statements," interpretations, that sound to us as if they are "The Truth."   Why is this necessary? To preserve the listening of the ...

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We love each other with our listening.

Something remarkable showed up in one of our couples communication coaching session the other day. One of the couple I was supporting at Marriage and Communication coaching was able to distinguish the following, speaking to her spouse, saying, "Often ...

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Legacies of Childhood in Adult Communication

Adding a timeline, a "By when” to our communication is essential in relationships. We have a communication legacy stemming from our childhood. As children when we requested or wanted something we often heard, "no, not now, later, soon, in a ...

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