Of Boundaries and Bubbles
We sometimes refer to “boundaries” when discussing marriages and relationships. We speak of our dissatisfaction with our relationships from home to work. We talk about” lines crossed” and complain about the emotional, financial, or other damages we’ve suffered when “lines” have been crossed.
I am not confident that most people know what we mean when we say “boundaries” or what to do when essential life boundaries have been crossed.
What are the boundaries in our marriages, and where are they? Are boundaries bad? What are they for? Can becoming aware of our boundaries be good for us and our marriages?
We begin by imagining all marriages and relationships as existing within several “Bubbles,” all with boundaries.
Every relationship, from home to work, has bubbles and boundaries to be aware of and responsible for. Within marriage, family, friendships, and work, we can find: the marriage bubble, our bubble as individuals with our individual and unique wishes and desires. We can identify friendship bubbles and relationship bubbles among the people we work with.
As parents, we are responsible for watching over our children and guiding the development of immature childhood bubbles as they grow into adults. Our task is to ensure we’ve filled our children’s bubbles with good-quality experiences and information about their world. We want to keep poor-quality information and experiences out of their young lives. When negative life experiences threaten our children’s developing bubbles, our job is to help them restore the integrity of their lives as they grow.
Imagining relationships as bubbles with boundaries, we can ask:
What leaves a relationship successful and flourishing for a lifetime?
We get to be aware of those behaviors that DO BELONG in our bubble and those that DO NOT belong inside our Bubble.
Behaviors that DO BELONG inside our Bubble:
- Love, listening,
- Effective communication
- Sharing thoughts and feelings
- Mutual honor and respect
- Trust, safety, and faithfulness
Behaviors that DO NOT belong inside our Bubble:
- Lying, manipulating information, withholding communication.
- Irresponsible expressions of strong emotions (i.e., frustration and anger)
- Inappropriate behaviors that compromise the integrity of our Bubble. For example, Sharing details of our marriage and relationship with anyone outside the Bubble without the prior agreement of all partners. This includes extended family members, friends, and coworkers. Anyone.
- Inappropriate relationships, cheating, and infidelity.
What is next?
Now that we can distinguish our relationships and marriages as bubbles, we can ask, “Does what I am about to do or say belong in our bubble?” If yes, continue; if “No,” stop. When unsure, communicate with your partner within your marriage relationship bubble.
What are boundaries like when bubbles are weak and have become dysfunctional?
A couple came for support. Their bubble was shattered. After over twenty years of marriage, their children had grown up and moved away. They were looking forward to the freedom and opportunity awarded to empty nesters. Instead, their marriage had become one morass of frustration and survival. They had become roommates, two people, each with their own life. They had lost track of their special us. Their marriage was on the brink of dissolution. Communication and trust had broken down to the point that they became afraid to speak with one another.
Desperately, one of them sought support and advice from extended family members and friends. This left their spouse feeling exposed and vulnerable. They never knew what had been said about them to those outside their marriage and bubble. Everyone was unhappy; family members and longtime friends struggled to support their grown children’s marriage.
A few of them secretly would think to themselves or even say aloud, “I told you so. I never thought they were good enough for you.”
What boundaries sound like when they are strong.
Does this belong in our bubble?
One says, “My friend (family member, neighbor, coworker) heard about our disagreement and offered me some advice today.” The spouse asks, “How did you handle it? What did you say? “ I said to them, “ Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’ll discuss this with my partner (teenager or adolescent) later. For now, let’s change the subject.” The partner asks, “How did they respond to your answer?” Spouse responds. “Well, they were not especially pleased. I acknowledged their advice and suggestions while, at the same time, letting them know we must work it out on our own.”
If unsure whether we want to purchase an expensive item. Communicate.
One partner says, “I saw a sale on 4K HD televisions at Costco. They have an extended warranty option and good technical support. I was tempted to get one for us. I thought I’d bring it up to you before we go forward. What do you think?” The partner responds, “I agree that this would be a good next television for us, and I am not sure this is a good time to get a new Television. Let’s sit down after dinner and discuss this.”
Children and teens dwell within our family bubble. We get to communicate with our teenagers or adolescents.
When unsure, communicate. The parent gets to respond carefully and appropriately while at the same time leaving the teen heard, honored, and respected.
The teenager requests (or announces) that they intend to stay out late to attend a party at a friend’s house.
Teenager: “ There’s a party at my friend’s house. Everyone will be there. It will be so much fun.” The parent responds, “ Tell me more. Will there be a responsible adult present? Have I ever met them? “Teenager replies, “ I do not think you’ve met them. I am not sure they planned to be there.”
The parent replies, “ I hear you. I can’t say yes or no until I am confident you will be safe (in their bubble) and whether there will be a responsible adult present to supervise, someone I know. Before I can agree, I I will need to speak with them first and be confident that you will be safe and that I can trust them.”
The bottom line is that marriages and relationships thrive when they’ve maintained the integrity of every bubble boundary.
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