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When we intend to communicate with our partner, we need a way to respond rather than react. Reacting does not require thinking. Reacting isn’t a bad thing. It works on our behalf as we drive our car. Before we think about it, we want to slow down so that we don’t run into someone. However,

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Is your marriage a WE-lationship? A WE-ality, or a ME-ality? WE-ality: Living from the outside>in. One’s focus is “out there,” Towards one’s environment Engaged with one’s surroundings. One’s Inquiry: Is into the status, wellbeing, Health, happiness, needs and Desires of others. Living within a WE-ality, We are never alone. When they experience happiness, We experience

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Recently, my spouse said the following, “You know that sometimes when we speak, I feel like I am being ordered around.”  I responded, “I don’t think I am intentionally ordering you around.” Her reply, “Yes, and sometimes when you speak, I feel like you are ordering me around.” I thought about this for more than

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Our brains tend to have us spit out statements that on the surface seem to be “The Truth” when those statements are almost certainly interpretations, influenced by emotion, and more often than we would like to admit, based on limited, often inaccurate information. For example, “You always…, I never…, We are always…, They never…, Teenagers

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I propose a  simple (but not necessarily easy) way of thinking and acting in relationships. It seems to me that it would be transformational to every human relationship if we were we to stop, pause and reflect upon what we are saying or are about to say. Can we alter human history by taking a

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Apologies transform relationships in a way an, “I’m sorry” cannot. Listening to “I’m sorry” we would be more authentic to say, “I regret,” or “It’s too bad that…” For example, “I’m sorry. I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry that your feelings got hurt. I am sorry that happened to you, and

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It seems to me that we have a childhood legacy from being compelled, forced to say “we’re sorry” in order to survive, to defuse, distract the large being confronting us in anger. It’s the best we could do at the age we were then. And it worked well enough that many of us, including victims

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“Seems to be that we…” now gets to replace all “You-ing,” or similar “Blanket Declarative statements,” interpretations, that sound to us as if they are “The Truth.”   Why is this necessary? To preserve the listening of the other.   Early on, as young children, we learned that hearing, “You…” was a sign that we

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Something remarkable showed up in one of our couples communication coaching session the other day. One of the couple I was supporting at Marriage and Communication coaching was able to distinguish the following, speaking to her spouse, saying, “Often you provide a workable solution to some issue are discussing, but that is not the end

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Adding a timeline, a “By when” to our communication is essential in relationships. We have a communication legacy stemming from our childhood. As children when we requested or wanted something we often heard, “no, not now, later, soon, in a while, after dinner, next week, when you are older,” and so forth. Before long we

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Once upon a time, when we were young and much smaller than we are today, we learned early that when someone much larger than we were said “You” we were in trouble, we felt physically and emotionally threatened. Being young, we were scared, afraid, and terrified. Inexperienced at life we did not know what to

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Before speaking or acting, ask, “Is what I am about to say or do create and sustain life?” When you take away all language, culture, or history we will come to understand that we are all, all designed to create and sustain life. Those of us who do not – pass away, ultimately sad and

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Bringing back “Please” makes for good relationships. “Please” converts a demand into a mutually negotiable request. “Please” rolls over into a mutual acknowledgment which feels good. Background: In a number of marriages and relationships, up to and including my own, “Please” may be seldom heard. I may believe I am implying “Please” when I’ve made

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“It seems to me that we” – is a truly useful workaround for the word “You.” Instead of pointing a verbal or real finger at your spouse and saying, “You never listen!” we can employ a far gentler, easier to hear, “It seems to me that we are not communicating well together.” Instead of, “We

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For some reason, these days, I’ve noticed that I hear far fewer “Thank you. You’re welcomes” than when I was growing up. And yet, when I have coached couples to say “Thank you. You’re welcome” to one another at Marriage and Communication coaching sessions, without exception everyone, everyone smiles, feels good, and connected. What is

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I promise, I guarantee to provide you with the core life skills and best practices for a truly extraordinary relationship. Anybody who has succeeded has at one time had a coach. Further, when we look closer, there is an almost invisible future generation at stake. Create a relationship in which one may choose to raise

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(part one) All too many of us carry around an unexamined, deep-seated doubt about who we are, our self worth and essential value as a human being.  These internal conversations and negative self-assessments color the way we appear and interact with others and our world. With negative self-talk we adopted as children we routinely enter

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This rarely gets spoken in a young marriage – but it ought to be. Instead, too often we hear something like, “I no longer feel love for you.” Immediately, the one who heard this gets upset and starts to freak out. To add insult to injury, this damaging message may show up at around three

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We’ve read earlier of the power of “Yes, and” as a means of helping us move from reactive “NOs” and BUTs” to calmer, more responsive spaces of “Yes, and…” For example, one can follow a, “Yes, and” in a variety of ways such as, “Yes, and tell me more.” “Yes, and can I share with

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All too often couples find themselves “Making allowances.” Forgiving inappropriately. It goes something like this: “He or she just did or said something that upset me. I don’t know how to let them know how it made me feel. I love them dearly and I don’t want to get into an argument or a fight,

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