Saying, "I'm Sorry" will not get you forgiveness, trust, or heal your relationship.

We often confuse, "I'm Sorry" with, "I apologize." At best, "I'm Sorry" communicates regret or sympathy, It's not an apology. • Saying, "I'm sorry it did not turn out the way you wanted" conveys a sense of regret. • Saying, "I'm sorry for your ...

Read More

Thirty Seconds to Marriage Success

Effective communication starts with stop. Stop reacting. Reacting is our friend when we're driving our car. We want to stop before we run in to something. No thinking needed. Just slow down. However, reacting does not work for us when we want to ...

Read More

Somebody Speaking In Relationships

Somebody speaking in relationships is when one partner speaks aloud without any "obvious" recipient. I noticed this the other day as I was peering into our refrigerator, saying (announcing?) "We're running out of milk..." Innocently, or was ...

Read More

Responding vs. Reacting

When we intend to communicate with our partner, we need a way to respond rather than react. Reacting does not require thinking. Reacting isn’t a bad thing. It works on our behalf as we drive our car. Before we think about it, we want to slow down ...

Read More

Is your marriage a WE-lationship?

Is your marriage a WE-lationship? A WE-ality, or a ME-ality? WE-ality: Living from the outside>in. One's focus is "out there," Towards one's environment Engaged with one's surroundings. One's Inquiry: Is into the status, ...

Read More

Why Men should say “Please.”

Recently, my spouse said the following, “You know that sometimes when we speak, I feel like I am being ordered around.”  I responded, “I don’t think I am intentionally ordering you around.” Her reply, “Yes, and sometimes when you ...

Read More

Too much Truth in the room?

Our brains tend to have us spit out statements that on the surface seem to be “The Truth” when those statements are almost certainly interpretations, influenced by emotion, and more often than we would like to admit, based on limited, often ...

Read More

"Is what I am about to do, or say … create and sustain Life?"

I propose a  simple (but not necessarily easy) way of thinking and acting in relationships. It seems to me that it would be transformational to every human relationship if we were we to stop, pause and reflect upon what we are saying or are about ...

Read More

“I’m Sorry” is not the same as an Apology

Apologies transform relationships in a way an, “I’m sorry” cannot. Listening to “I’m sorry” we would be more authentic to say, “I regret,” or “It’s too bad that…” For example, “I’m sorry. I am sorry you feel that way. ...

Read More

Apology Allergies

It seems to me that we have a childhood legacy from being compelled, forced to say "we're sorry" in order to survive, to defuse, distract the large being confronting us in anger. It's the best we could do at the age we were then. And it worked ...

Read More

Replacing You-ing with Seem-ing Language

"Seems to be that we..." now gets to replace all "You-ing," or similar “Blanket Declarative statements," interpretations, that sound to us as if they are "The Truth."   Why is this necessary? To preserve the listening of the ...

Read More

We love each other with our listening.

Something remarkable showed up in one of our couples communication coaching session the other day. One of the couple I was supporting at Marriage and Communication coaching was able to distinguish the following, speaking to her spouse, saying, "Often ...

Read More

Legacies of Childhood in Adult Communication

Adding a timeline, a "By when” to our communication is essential in relationships. We have a communication legacy stemming from our childhood. As children when we requested or wanted something we often heard, "no, not now, later, soon, in a ...

Read More

“You” and “You-ing:” The Genesis of Lying and Miscommunication

Once upon a time, when we were young and much smaller than we are today, we learned early that when someone much larger than we were said “You” we were in trouble, we felt physically and emotionally threatened. Being young, we were scared, afraid, ...

Read More

The Loving Test.

Before speaking or acting, ask, "Is what I am about to say or do create and sustain life?" When you take away all language, culture, or history we will come to understand that we are all, all designed to create and sustain life. Those of us who ...

Read More

To “Please" or not to "Please?"

Bringing back "Please” makes for good relationships. "Please" converts a demand into a mutually negotiable request. "Please" rolls over into a mutual acknowledgment which feels good. Background: In a number of marriages and ...

Read More

We vs. You

"It seems to me that we" - is a truly useful workaround for the word "You." Instead of pointing a verbal or real finger at your spouse and saying, "You never listen!" we can employ a far gentler, easier to hear, "It seems to me that we are not ...

Read More

Bring back, "Thank you. You're welcome"

For some reason, these days, I've noticed that I hear far fewer "Thank you. You're welcomes" than when I was growing up. And yet, when I have coached couples to say "Thank you. You're welcome" to one another at Marriage and Communication coaching ...

Read More

Marriage and Communication is simply not therapy.

I promise, I guarantee to provide you with the core life skills and best practices for a truly extraordinary relationship. Anybody who has succeeded has at one time had a coach. Further, when we look closer, there is an almost invisible future ...

Read More

The magic of "Yes."

(part one) All too many of us carry around an unexamined, deep-seated doubt about who we are, our self worth and essential value as a human being.  These internal conversations and negative self-assessments color the way we appear and interact ...

Read More