Mutual Honor and Respect

I invite us to stop any attempt at communication that breaks or threatens our connection.   Many, if not most of us have a "default app" of, "Hear a problem, fix a problem, and as soon as possible - so we can get back to...

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It pays to speak their Love Language

It is worthwhile to read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman aloud together, taking turns and enjoying rich sidebar conversations together. We can learn that that one of us requires, “Words of Affirmation” and appreciation as their...

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Two reactions do not a communication make

Part 1: the dilemma. We have what we might classify as a "Truth app" running well below the threshold of our conscious awareness. Our "Truth app" springs into action when it "hears" us speaking points of view with one...

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We do not need to “Should” on ourselves

We unintentionally do harm to ourselves whenever we begin speaking, “I have to... I need to… I should… or I must… I ought to…” and so forth. Listening to ourselves carefully, we may will also hear what we are...

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ME-ality or WE-ality?

Are we, in our marriages and relationships, living from a ME-ality or from a WE-ality? Were we to take a step back and look at ourselves we might distinguish that there is a continuum between ME-ality on one extreme, and WE-ality on the other. One...

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Two reactions do not a communication make

We have what we might classify as a "Truth app" runningwell below the threshold of our conscious awareness Our "Truth app" springs into action when it "hears" us speaking points of view with one another. That is our...

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Saying, "I'm Sorry" will not get you forgiveness, trust, or heal your relationship.

We often confuse, "I'm Sorry" with, "I apologize." At best, "I'm Sorry" communicates regret or sympathy, It's not an apology. • Saying, "I'm sorry it did not turn out the way you wanted"...

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Thirty Seconds to Marriage Success

Effective communication starts with stop. Stop reacting. Reacting is our friend when we're driving our car. We want to stop before we run in to something. No thinking needed. Just slow down. However, reacting does not work for us when we want to...

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Somebody Speaking In Relationships

Somebody speaking in relationships is when one partner speaks aloud without any "obvious" recipient. I noticed this the other day as I was peering into our refrigerator, saying (announcing?) "We're running out of milk..." Innocently, or was...

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Responding vs. Reacting

When we intend to communicate with our partner, we need a way to respond rather than react. Reacting does not require thinking. Reacting isn’t a bad thing. It works on our behalf as we drive our car. Before we think about it, we want to slow down...

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Is your marriage a WE-lationship?

Is your marriage a WE-lationship? A WE-ality, or a ME-ality? WE-ality: Living from the outside>in. One's focus is "out there," Towards one's environment Engaged with one's surroundings. One's Inquiry: Is into the status,...

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Why Men should say “Please.”

Recently, my spouse said the following, “You know that sometimes when we speak, I feel like I am being ordered around.”  I responded, “I don’t think I am intentionally ordering you around.” Her reply, “Yes, and sometimes when you...

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Too much Truth in the room?

Our brains tend to have us spit out statements that on the surface seem to be “The Truth” when those statements are almost certainly interpretations, influenced by emotion, and more often than we would like to admit, based on limited, often...

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"Is what I am about to do, or say … create and sustain Life?"

I propose a  simple (but not necessarily easy) way of thinking and acting in relationships. It seems to me that it would be transformational to every human relationship if we were we to stop, pause and reflect upon what we are saying or are about...

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“I’m Sorry” is not the same as an Apology

Apologies transform relationships in a way an, “I’m sorry” cannot. Listening to “I’m sorry” we would be more authentic to say, “I regret,” or “It’s too bad that…” For example, “I’m sorry. I am sorry you feel that way....

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Apology Allergies

It seems to me that we have a childhood legacy from being compelled, forced to say "we're sorry" in order to survive, to defuse, distract the large being confronting us in anger. It's the best we could do at the age we were then. And it worked...

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Replacing You-ing with Seem-ing Language

"Seems to be that we..." now gets to replace all "You-ing," or similar “Blanket Declarative statements," interpretations, that sound to us as if they are "The Truth."   Why is this necessary? To preserve the listening of the...

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We love each other with our listening.

Something remarkable showed up in one of our couples communication coaching session the other day. One of the couple I was supporting at Marriage and Communication coaching was able to distinguish the following, speaking to her spouse, saying, "Often...

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Legacies of Childhood in Adult Communication

Adding a timeline, a "By when” to our communication is essential in relationships. We have a communication legacy stemming from our childhood. As children when we requested or wanted something we often heard, "no, not now, later, soon, in a...

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“You” and “You-ing:” The Genesis of Lying and Miscommunication

Once upon a time, when we were young and much smaller than we are today, we learned early that when someone much larger than we were said “You” we were in trouble, we felt physically and emotionally threatened. Being young, we were scared, afraid,...

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